So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
