My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't turn off my feet"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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