If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
