I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
