now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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