Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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