its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
