that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
