u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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