I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
