She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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