Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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