I think I won the penis lottery.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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