i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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