WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
