Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
