so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
