Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
