Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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