So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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