Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
