I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
