i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
