So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
