Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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