M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
