"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
All the doctor said was why
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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