Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
