just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
