I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
