New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
