I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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