I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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