onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
