Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
