Cold hands, warm shart.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
