You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
