im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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