i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
