dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
