it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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