Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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