so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
