Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I love you. Go after that dick
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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