just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
