your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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