I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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