Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
