I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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