its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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