I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
